A lot has happened since I started writing. In fact, I still have the original post saved in the draft folder about my trip to Nashville and the audition process. I never got to finish it. Honestly, I don’t think I will.
When mom got diagnosed will AML, I knew stress and a whirlwind of emotions were coming our way. I’ve watched my mom get on a plane a few times and haven’t seen her face to face in a week or so. I’ve heard my youngest siblings tell me that they miss mommy, watched friends whisk away baskets of laundry and tasted amazing meals made by loving friends. People come up to me and tell me the same thing: “It’s in God’s hands. He’ll take care of her. It will be okay.”
It will be okay.
Of course, there are moments where I struggle believe those words. I remember the day after mom’s diagnosis, I was at school thinking, God- What are you doing? Why her? Why us? Why NOW? I went in the practice rooms, pounding on the piano, bawling my eyes out and belting the words to different songs. I’m not going to lie. I looked like a mess (eyeliner streaking everywhere, puffy eyes- you get the picture). Yet, there was something rewarding in that moment, being frustrated but doing what I loved.
Leaving that room that was a challenge. The thought of going home to see my mom with the tired, defeated look scared me, not to mention the 9 other faces looking for comfort. How are we going to get through this? How could I concentrate on Nashville and my dreams that seemed so stupid compared to this? Tears were coming back to my eyes as I turned on the car.
It was then that a familiar song came on the radio: She was driving last Friday, on her way to Cincinnati, on a snow white Christmas Eve… My heart could have stopped right there. By the time Carrie got to the chorus of Jesus, Take the Wheel, I knew I wasn’t alone. It was almost as if God was saying at that moment, “Hey, stupid! This is for the best. Don’t worry! I’ve got it- trust me.”
As a musician, performing is the most empowering experience. There is this saying that music is the puzzle piece that connects emotion to the struggles and chaos in life where words can not. I can literally call to a person’s soul and say, “Trust me, you are not alone”. Perhaps this is why I love music so much. For me, I can choose what I want to sing. I can choose how to sing it. Heck, as a music major, I can sing whenever I want! All in all, I have strength over something in life, even at my lowest point. With that strength, I can keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other…
I went back to that practice room the next day. That melody that poured from my heart is the song that many of you have already heard. I have witnessed the tears that people have shed because they feel the connection. I guess if I’m trying to say anything is that I have seen the importance of the power of a song. Though life may be a mess, God, friends and music will help me through.